The Train.

For reasons of thriftiness and curiosity I decided to end my two week vacation in sunny Melbourne with an overnight train ride to Sydney. I make it in time, no stress, find my seat which unfortunately is way down the aisle from the two asian fantasies all steezed up in leopard skin pants and purple hair. I so would have told them I’m an artist, if I had’ve sat near them. Outside, two cracked out looking guys smoke furiously around a bin alone on the platform, all skulking and twitching and rubbing their faces and sucking hard on their ciggies, I wonder if they’re really going to get on the train or they’ve just ended up here accidentally as part of being on the drugs. They get on, and sit just ahead of me, at the very front of the carriage, darting many quick glances up and down the car as they do. The twitchier ginger one in baggy sneans and a green billabong shirt, taps the perspex advertisement in front of him and says to the younger one in the super curved flexfit

” Yeah good… I can see them if they’re comin’ from behind, you look down that way and we’ve got both angles covered… “.

I was already planning on watching these dudes but now I’m enthralled. Crackheads jumping trains?! This is exactly what I was hoping for! Both of them throw their seats back in unison, oblivious to the grey lady and her grandkids squashed behind them. It’s all very sinister. The redhead mutters escape plans to his quiet mate, and get rich quick plans to sell puppies from Wangaratta on ebay -

“Yeah fucken take some sick photos and probably get like $600 a pup mate, they’re so cute mate. They’re so fucken cute. It’s so easy…”

- and rehearses what they’ll say if the ticket lady comes. The train pulls out and we cruise through boring industrial silhouettes. The grandma talks quietly and patiently to her squirming babies, the asian fantasies share a pillow, someone behind us loudly calls his girlfriend a pig, but not in a funny way. Not like in an ” Oh you ate the last M&M you little pig! ” way, but like a ” You’re scared I’ll do somethin’ to ya pig!? ” way. Actually I think that’s what he said. Very sinister. The baby pipes up suddenly and the ginger one goes, in the faux-sleepy drawl of the perpetually cooked;

” SHIT!.. I was nearly asleep, fucken rude bringing kids on the train, just fucken rude, shouldn’t do it… I was nearly asleep… shit… “.

He clearly has only got three sleeps in him til next christmas so what’s he on about? I think about suggesting he make a formal complaint to the conductor if he’s that worried, but of course I don’t actually say anything. I don’t want to show up on any crackheads radar, this is an 11hr journey, what if I get stuck arguing with this twitching ginger mess for 11 hrs? Fuck that. The ticket lady comes in with a yell of greeting and he starts spurting out his prepared story, which she quickly cuts off, addressing the people directly in front of me instead. Oohh, she’s tough. She’s dealt with junkies before, I can tell. After telling the backpackers ( german or something, the girl was wearing a green woolen cloak straight out of LOTR ) that they’re in the wrong seat and rushing them off to another car, she turns to the boys and he starts again, about how the lady at the ticket counter was too busy to type in all their names and stuff and she told them just to get on the train. All apologies he is, all misunderstood and good guy and so creepy. Strong lady tells them they can and must go buy tickets in the buffet car. BOOM! Sucked in dudes! She escorts them away and I don’t see them again until the ginger repeatedly uses the toilet, always with his backpack. It’s a letdown because I kind of want a scene where they get kicked off and maybe throw a punch or try to kidnap someone, maybe even the asian girls, and then I can jump in and hit him with my titanium laptop and sort of, save the day. 

The baby pipes up again. The guy who calls girls pigs is talking loudly about Geelong, and Go The Cats, and He’s a Fucken Farmer What Do You Expect? He goes to the toilet and I get a look at him (Not on the toilet, I mean on his way there) and he’s typical bogan, goatee, Geelong Cats shirt, looks like a rapist. What!? He does. I’m not saying it to be funny because I wasn’t feeling funny when I saw him, I was feeling like that’s the sort of dude who rapes things. So he goes in to the toilet and after like 10 mins an attendant comes along and starts banging on the door, saying

” Come on mate, unlock the door, come on… “.

I’m like WOAH didn’t know there was such a strict time limit, but after some audible protesting he comes out and the strong smell of ciggies wafts down the cabin. Busted! He protests loudly that he Wasn’t Even Fucken Smoking and he was Just Tryin To Charge Me Fucken Phone, and when we get to the next stop, cops come out of the dark of night and kick him off. They’re telling him why they’re doing it and he’s yelling Right O Right Yeah Always The Fucken Same Why Don’t You Pick On Someone Else!? It was wild! 

Thus ends the exciting bits of my train journey from Melbourne to Sydney, there were other bits where I became friends with the old lady and got stuck talking to a morbid teenage drama queen, who would start conversations with shocking stuff like

” If we don’t get to Sydney by 10:00am I’ve got a 500km walk ahead of me… ” and

” yeah I lost my job and mum wants me out of the house, but my girlfriends pregnant so at least there’s some light in this dark week. “

but the bits I told you about are the really good bits. Next time I take the train I’m taking a camera for sure, Kodak Gold Moments, all the way. 

XX

N