Pretty.

This evening I saw a boy at the IGA. His hair was long, face round, his eyes heavy with lash, brows arched finely above in splendid calligraphic swoops… a masterwork of natural androgeny, unintentionally effeminate to the point of confusion, an illusion ruined only by a tiny triangle of goatee beneath his bottom lip. So small and ugly and unneccesary, I’m sure it was a begrudging concession for the benefit of the beer-goggled masses who might approach him on streets or at bars with bad intentions. I wanted to tell him to lose the goatee and own his lady looks, or, just lose the goatee and stop washing his hair. That’s what I do, and I don’t even have girl-face, my face is dropped pie of manly angles and nubs that looks about 10 years older than I am. A 36yr olds’ face on a 14yr olds’ body, that’s what I’ve got; one of those awkwardly pubescent 14yr olds whose body hair is breaking out in enthusiastic patches, hoping to one day join forces and form a protective fur that those brill creamed, denim jacketed “Man Wolfs” from Macho Taildrop will weep to see… yeah, that’s me. I wish I was pretty, I wouldn’t ruin it with a goatee, that’s for sure. But only weirdos talk to strangers at the IGA, and I’m trying not to be a weirdo. I look weird enough. 

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Hey Ya’ll… Dallas here, I’m a big Wank Sock.

What’s up hip cats? Are you jivin’? Funky fresh? What are you doing? Like, with your lives? Man, I don’t know what I’m doing. I went for a long walk today with my friend, and he was all ” Man, do you ever feel like you need to get out of your way? ” and I was like ” Benny, I don’t know what you’re talking about man ” so then he was like ” Do you ever feel like it’s your own head that’s fucking all your shit up ” and I was like ” OOOHHH… Definitely, always. “. It’s true! That really happened, and it’s also true that that’s true. Pretty much the only one to blame when you think shit’s going bad is yourselves dudes, sorry whingeing-willy and sally-sob-story but the world isn’t out to get you, it’s not your parents fault, and you can’t blame it on the economy, it’s probably only your head. Sort it outs! Unless you did some horrible shit some lives ago and karma is settling some debts… then you just have to sit it out and get what you deserve, past-bastard. Wow, Benny and me have the best talks sometimes, when I’m not being too mean to him because he reminds me of me 5 years ago. Like a big, beautiful, muscular me. Benny can do lots of pull ups and always wears a hat with an american flag on it, because he secretly wishes he could wear Tommy Hilfiger without getting hassled. That’s the only reason I can think of why I’d wear a hat with an american flag on it, and since he’s me except in the past, I’m probably right. 

What else? I met a dude the other night who instantly took a disliking to me, I think because he realised how much he looked and dressed like me and hated himself. His name was Dallas and he was pretty much a dickhead. If you know anyone called Dallas they are probably dicks because only dickheads are named after cities in the US of AY? Yeah, take that WASHINGTON. Suck on THAT, AUSTEN. Go and cry about it whydontchya, ORLANDO. See? I can be right all night I’ll keep goin… Nah. But seriously, guy was a major wank sock, I would’ve punched him if he wasn’t exactly my size and shape but a tiny bit bigger, and I knew how to punch people, and he did something other than generally not like me to deserve it…

Good on you if you sat through reading this, I don’t currently have a scanner so this is alls I gots to offer for now, soz. 

LOLZ

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